This is my second editorial report where I compare some of my rough cut to my revised version
Audience Questions
How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?I added a lot more sentences and went in depth with details. I inserted quotes that supported my argument and strengthened it; I showed emotional appeal which I think moves people to realize just how negative the impact a hook-up culture and pornography has on young women.
How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?
It was originally one paragraph, but the added sentences increased the length and I broke it up into two paragraphs in the revised version
Rough-cut
It is awfully sad that female sexuality and reciprocation need to be demystified in 2016, where tons of millennials have the minds of eager rabbits, but there are too many instances where women and their desires are either unvoiced, or ignored. This is due to the hook-up culture we are accustomed to. I can attest as a 19-year-old girl in a sorority at a large university, that I live in a time where the norm and goal for a lot of people, is to go to a party, get tipsy, or perhaps “blacked,” and go home with someone where a one-night stand will go into effect. The problem with this hook-up society is that often times, it is centered around the male and his satisfaction. Marci Reichert, an educator at Planned Parenthood, thinks that “[during hookups] the male is experiencing more sexual pleasure than the female,” “[Women] know how not to get pregnant, but I don’t know if they’re advocating for themselves and their own needs” (Robinson). There is a lack of communication, talking is kept to a minimum, while unspoken sexual expectations and assumptions occupy their minds. And there are silent girls, who are fearful to speak up and say what they want. The silence on their end is because of the possible rejection and embarrassment that might come as a consequence.
It is awfully sad that female sexuality and reciprocation need to be demystified in 2016, where tons of millennials have the minds of eager rabbits, but there are too many instances where women and their desires are either unvoiced, or ignored. This is due to the hook-up culture we are accustomed to. I can attest as a 19-year-old girl in a sorority at a large university, that I live in a time where the norm and goal for a lot of people, is to go to a party, get tipsy, or perhaps “blacked,” and go home with someone where a one-night stand will go into effect. The problem with this hook-up society is that often times, it is centered around the male and his satisfaction. Marci Reichert, an educator at Planned Parenthood, thinks that “[during hookups] the male is experiencing more sexual pleasure than the female,” “[Women] know how not to get pregnant, but I don’t know if they’re advocating for themselves and their own needs” (Robinson). There is a lack of communication, talking is kept to a minimum, while unspoken sexual expectations and assumptions occupy their minds. And there are silent girls, who are fearful to speak up and say what they want. The silence on their end is because of the possible rejection and embarrassment that might come as a consequence.
Revised
It is awfully sad that female sexuality and reciprocation need to be demystified in 2016, where tons of millennials have the minds of eager rabbits, but there are too many instances where women and their desires are either unvoiced, or ignored. The neglect and ignorance stem from the millennial hookup culture, a product of a social-media-obsessed, and pornography-predicating society. The hookup culture is easy to define. It is more than a trend, teens and people up into their early 30’s are in this group of people who, not always seamlessly, remain single and pick up different girls and guys to engage in uncommitted sex, or sexual activities. I can attest as a 19-year-old girl in a sorority at a large university, that I live in a time where the norm and goal for a lot of people, is to go to a party, get tipsy, or perhaps “blacked,” and go home with someone where a one-night stand will go into effect. The problem with this “shack” amassing society is that often times, it is centered around the male and his satisfaction. Marci Reichert, an educator at Planned Parenthood, thinks that “[during hookups] the male is experiencing more sexual pleasure than the female,” “[Women] know how not to get pregnant, but I don’t know if they’re advocating for themselves and their own needs” (Robinson).
There is a lack of communication, with cheap vodka breath and cotton-mouths, talking is kept to a minimum, while unspoken sexual expectations and assumptions occupy their minds. And there are silent girls, who are fearful to speak up and say what they want. All girls make excuses to get out of sexual activities, rather than just saying the words “no, I don’t want to.” It is not fair that girls are insulted and called teases just because a guy spent money or time on her and she did not grant him with sex. (Kirsten King, buzzfeed.com) Also, in situations when girls do want to engage in sexual activities, and also have her satisfaction be taken into account, not just the guy’s she is with, they don’t speak up. The silence on their end is because of the possible rejection and embarrassment that might come as a consequence. What a coincidence that the mainstream pornography, that conditions young adults, eroticizes exactly what girls are fearful of in the bedroom: degradation and humiliation. (Orenstein a2). How empowering!
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