For this post, I compare a paragraph from my rough cut with the revised section of my paper for project 3.
How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?
The content changed because I added a quote from the book I was discussing, explained it, and added more to the last sentence of the paragraph to make sure I was addressing everything that I spoke about. It has more details, evidence, and makes my essay stronger.
How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?
The form did not change that much except it became longer in length, which is good because sometimes essay that are too short do not have enough being said.
Rough Cut
Finally, a nonfiction book has surfaced that exposes the long overdue issue. “Girls & Sex,” by Peggy Orenstein, supports the need for a shift in concern for girls when talking about sex, in order to knock out America's societal and cultural pressures and misconceptions. If we can transform how we teach about sex, by having more honest conversations, and stop pretending that sex is solely a manufacturer of STDs and babies in academic environments, then women will be able to voice their desires, feel more confident and secure, and grow into happier and healthier individuals.
Re-Edited Selection
Finally, a nonfiction book has surfaced that exposes the long overdue issue. “Girls & Sex,” by Peggy Orenstein, supports the need for a shift in concern for girls when talking about sex, in order to knock out America's societal and cultural pressures and misconceptions. Orenstein recognizes the new age we are living in, and the generation’s confusion of the difference between expressing one’s sexuality and displaying sexiness. “Girls are being told all the time that how their body looks to other people is more important than how it feels to them.” (Orenstein a1). Girls then carry this flawed perception with them in intimate times. Girls will attempt to perform sexual acts and behave the ways they think will make them appear “sexy” to a guy, and that’s the issue because it results in men feeling absolved of satisfying the woman. So there are cases of women who actually mistake the male’s imminent pleasure to count as their own pleasure, as well, when in reality, the woman’s desires were never even pursued. There was no reciprocation, and that shows a gender inequality. If we can transform how we teach about sex, by having more honest conversations, realize a patriarchal society’s and social media’s impact on our youth, and stop pretending that sex is solely a manufacturer of STDs and babies in academic environments, then women will be able to voice their desires, feel more confident and secure, and grow into happier and healthier individuals.
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