Content Outline

This content outline might change, I might cut down and focus on less things, so here I have more ideas listed and it's not organized exactly how I want it to be

Here is my content outline in a google document

Editorial Report b

For this post, I discuss the changes I made to my rough cut in my revised essay, specifically on my last paragraph and conclusion.

Audience Questions

How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

I needed something to bridge my last paragraph and my conclusion, so I added a tiny paragraph about the importance of parents talking to their children honestly about sexuality, especially if it isn't taught right in schools. My essay doesn't just jump into the conclusion now

How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

I added more sentences, so the essay became longer than it was. It is more effective because it makes my essay flow better and broke up a paragraph that was too lengthy

Rough Cut:

In order to stop this tide of mislead and disillusioned teens, schools and parents need to seriously and frankly talk to social media’s and pornography’s most susceptible audience. The confusion needs to be cleared up. Sexuality and sex are completely natural things, yet America frowns upon them. The wrong lessons and values are being taught by porn and social media, where women must live up to expectations that force them to be sexually objectified. At a young age, trust, intimacy, respect should all be taught. Parents can equip their kids by loving them and changing the conversation. In America’s paradoxical society, where there is hyper-sexualization of girls in the media, yet overzealous abstinence programs and judgment, the inequality in the bedroom for the female gender has psychological and physical repercussions for young adults, and while several nations in the world are healthier and advanced, one nation has the potential to regress entirely if they cannot accept and embrace something as human as sex.

Re-edited:

 Unfortunately, there are some instances where children are denied a sexual education entirely in schools. Someone needs to step forth and teach those kids and all kids early on. That someone will be you one day, when you have children of your own. And there does not have to be a script. My mom never had one with me. How I felt supported and loved by my mom was knowing she was there for me and would not threaten or scare me, but simply educate and prepare me for what to expect as I got older and began to experiment.

        In order to stop this tide of mislead and disillusioned teens, schools and parents need to seriously and frankly talk to social media’s and pornography’s most susceptible audience. The confusion needs to be cleared up. Sexuality and sex are completely natural things, yet America frowns upon them. The wrong lessons and values are being taught by porn and social media, where women must live up to expectations that force them to be sexually objectified. At a young age, trust, intimacy, respect should all be taught. Parents can equip their kids by loving them and changing the conversation. In America’s paradoxical society, where there is hyper-sexualization of girls in the media, yet overzealous abstinence programs and judgment, the inequality in the bedroom for the female gender has psychological and physical repercussions for young adults, and while several nations in the world are healthier and advanced, one nation has the potential to regress entirely if they cannot accept and embrace something as human as sex.

         

peer review 13a for emily

For this post I will discuss my peer review for Emily Bond's project.

Emily Bond from my section is doing a QRG for her project.

I made a content suggestion on her QRG at its current stage. 

I think her argument is well made, however, she is missing counterarguments, and it would be nice if she discussed not only how the kids felt, but how the parents felt. Should the government be making the decision of what goes on kid's plates, or should parents? That would be interesting if addressed, and would strengthen her argument because in theory, parents probably all would like to be in charge of something that has an impact on their children's health and might rethink the Live Action initiative. 

What I really liked about her QRG was the form, it makes use of the white space, breaks up paragraphs so there's not walls of text, and the fonts are very readable and give it a style that is informative and educational

Reflection

For this post, I'll be reflecting on the last stage of project 3.

Audience Questions

What were some of the successes (or, things that went right) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence.

I liked this week because I felt less stressed, I felt like last week I did a lot of work so it made this week easier. It consisted of organizing and breaking up paragraphs, making my essay more readable and neat.

What were some of the challenges (or, things that went wrong) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence.

I felt rushed for some reason with my conclusion, I sort of left that to edit with little time.. but I think it's ok

How do you think next week will go, based on your experiences this week?

Interested to start the new project and catch a break because this project 3 was still a lot of work

How are you feeling about the project overall at this point?

It's successful in my opinion, I got nice feedback from peer reviewers so I'm feeling good

Revised Post to Peer Reviewers

This is my revised post to peer reviewers, where I discuss what I have accomplished and how my project is going.

Author Response

Explain, with some specificity, your thoughts and feelings about the following:

Major issues or weaknesses in the “Fine Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those weaknesses)

I'm happy with my fine cut except for the citations, I just hope I'm giving credit accurately. and I hope that where I quoted my friend it makes sense and was correct

Major virtues or strengths in the “Fine Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those strengths)

I know that my personal experience and emotional appeal is strong and apparent

Fine Cut:

Taboo of Female Sexuality

Editorial Report a

For this post, I discuss how I changed some part of my rough cut- I displayed more of the research I found in my revised paper which added logic

Audience Questions

How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

I expanded and added a statistic. It's more effective in the re-edited version because more detail and the statistic support my argument that America's abstinence only programs aren't effective, and show that other country's who welcome sexuality discussions have lower pregnancy rates.

How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

My paragraph became longer because I added more sentences. Also, there was logic introduced since I added a statistic. I think this is more effective because I get across emotional and logical appeals, and it makes my paper longer

rough cut:

France and the Netherlands acknowledge and accept premarital sex, unlike America, where half of the states demand that abstinence is emphasized. Open sex conversations actually lead to the prevention of sexual health risks, pregnancies, rape, and more. This is seen in hundreds of studies, where America’s sexual health and sexual education is compared to other parts of the developed world.

revised:

France and the Netherlands acknowledge and accept premarital sex, unlike America, where half of the states demand that abstinence is emphasized. Open sex conversations actually lead to the prevention of sexual health risks, pregnancies, rape, and more. This is seen in hundreds of studies, where America’s sexual health and sexual education is compared to other parts of the developed world. In the Netherlands, all students are required to have a form of sexuality education by law. Kids as young as four years old are having some type of sex ed class. There aren’t explicit discussions for the kindergarteners, but they learn about sexuality and love. From that age and on, they receive a “comprehensive sex education”; gender stereotypes, self-image, sexual orientation, and contraceptive options are all central topics. (De Melker) The facts are in, people. In fact, they have been in since the late 1990’s and early 2000’s: The US has 8.5 times more births per 1000 adolescents between the ages of 15 and 17 years old than in the Netherlands, 5.5 times greater than in France, and practically 3 times greater than in Australia. (UNICEF). Luckily, things are looking up. Abstinence programs are ending. “In his proposed budget for 2017, Obama has eliminated a $10 million-a-year grant from the Department of Health and Human Services that funds these programs.” (Papisova)

peer review 13b for Brayden

http://bthomas109h.blogspot.com/

Peer review 2 for Nicki Escalante

I read Nickie from section 4's draft of her standard essay for my second peer review.

Nicki Escalante wrote a rough draft of her standard essay called HB2 dealing with a bill that affects transgenders in North Carolina.

For the peer review I will be giving a content suggestion for her rough draft

• I think her argument could be a clearer if she explained some terminology to the audience (unless your audience is intended to be solely trans-people) because if the language is not defined, it can get confusing for the general public. 
• I also think it would be helpful if you cited a source who was trans or maybe a doctor/expert in sexuality and gender, who could explain some feelings that members of their community are experiencing with this bill and how it affects them. That would boost her credibility 
• Also just in general be mindful of the language and insight being provided (ex:" She’s a relatively normal individual who happens to feel more like herself as a girl instead of a boy, which is what she was born as." I don't know exactly what she means by saying she is relatively normal, people might get sensitive about that 
• also, noting that this is only a draft and I don't know if she was planning on doing this or not, but I think the essay will be very effective if she answers the slew of questions she asks in the last paragraph
• I like that she clarifies on more than one occasion what she is arguing for, and her voice/urgency to report on this is visible

Peer review 1 for PJ

For this post I will discuss my peer review for Pj's project 3 standard essay.

- PJ Noghrehchi's rough copy of his standard essay, "Serenading at the University of Arizona: A Promotion of Rape Culture or A 21st Century Expression of Entertainment for All?"

-The activity I performed is content suggestion for his rough copy.

-There are some grammatical errors, but this is a draft, so I'm sure you will catch those. 

-I liked his honesty and the personal insight/experience, you can tell he uses his own knowledge along with research to affirm his position. It makes him sound more credible. It's something I can take from him because it's easy to get caught up in the research and articles on controversial arguments and question your stance on things.. also I think he should totally harp on the fact that the sorority girls are not forced to go to serenades, so yes, if anyone is uncomfortable they don't need to go, or they can leave! Good point!

I agree with PJ, it's an exaggerated measure to take them away, but I've been hearing that the total frat move article had discrepancies and that there isn't a ban on the serenades, except that they are being changed in someway. I don't know the facts though, for sure.

Coming from my own opinion and being in a sorority and just being a girl, I think his line "The article goes on to say how it is more of the culture of these serenades that could trigger traumatic memories of sorority girls during chapter" could be more truthful if changed it a little... Do you think that the Panhellenic board/council believes the serenades could trigger memories of 'traumatic experiences' (sexual assault?)? Or is it that the council believes the men are dancing provocatively and making girls uncomfortable, which isn't exactly upholding greek values. But I get why he wrote that, if he is trying to show that the council is in fact being drastic/overreacting. Just make sure the facts are correct

Reflection on Post Production

For this post, I will be reflecting on my process work from this week and the stage I'm in for the project.

Audience Questions

What were some of the successes (or, things that went right) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence.

I liked this week because I wasn't distracted and I banged out a lot of work for my essay. I am almost done, just working on the conclusion. I was happy with my work too, I wasn't obsessing over the revision stage, which I sometimes do.

What were some of the challenges (or, things that went wrong) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence.

The challenge for me was citations. For some reason i always get caught up with them and it takes away from my work.

How do you think next week will go, based on your experiences this week?

I think next week will go smoothly, as long as I don't procrastinate.

How are you feeling about the project overall at this point?

I'm content with the project, I think my argument is pretty clear and thorough. 

Editorial Report 2

This is my second editorial report where I compare some of my rough cut to my revised version

Audience Questions

How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

I added a lot more sentences and went in depth with details. I inserted quotes that supported my argument and strengthened it; I showed emotional appeal which I think moves people to realize just how negative the impact a hook-up culture and pornography has on young women.

How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

It was originally one paragraph, but the added sentences increased the length and I broke it up into two paragraphs in the revised version

Rough-cut

It is awfully sad that female sexuality and reciprocation need to be demystified in 2016, where tons of millennials have the minds of eager rabbits, but there are too many instances where women and their desires are either unvoiced, or ignored. This is due to the hook-up culture we are accustomed to. I can attest as a 19-year-old girl in a sorority at a large university, that I live in a time where the norm and goal for a lot of people, is to go to a party, get tipsy, or perhaps “blacked,” and go home with someone where a one-night stand will go into effect. The problem with this hook-up society is that often times, it is centered around the male and his satisfaction. Marci Reichert, an educator at Planned Parenthood, thinks that “[during hookups] the male is experiencing more sexual pleasure than the female,” “[Women] know how not to get pregnant, but I don’t know if they’re advocating for themselves and their own needs” (Robinson). There is a lack of communication, talking is kept to a minimum, while unspoken sexual expectations and assumptions occupy their minds. And there are silent girls, who are fearful to speak up and say what they want. The silence on their end is because of the possible rejection and embarrassment that might come as a consequence. 

Revised

It is awfully sad that female sexuality and reciprocation need to be demystified in 2016, where tons of millennials have the minds of eager rabbits, but there are too many instances where women and their desires are either unvoiced, or ignored. The neglect and ignorance stem from the millennial hookup culture, a product of a social-media-obsessed, and pornography-predicating society. The hookup culture is easy to define. It is more than a trend, teens and people up into their early 30’s are in this group of people who, not always seamlessly, remain single and pick up different girls and guys to engage in uncommitted sex, or sexual activities. I can attest as a 19-year-old girl in a sorority at a large university, that I live in a time where the norm and goal for a lot of people, is to go to a party, get tipsy, or perhaps “blacked,” and go home with someone where a one-night stand will go into effect. The problem with this “shack” amassing society is that often times, it is centered around the male and his satisfaction. Marci Reichert, an educator at Planned Parenthood, thinks that “[during hookups] the male is experiencing more sexual pleasure than the female,” “[Women] know how not to get pregnant, but I don’t know if they’re advocating for themselves and their own needs” (Robinson).

         There is a lack of communication, with cheap vodka breath and cotton-mouths, talking is kept to a minimum, while unspoken sexual expectations and assumptions occupy their minds. And there are silent girls, who are fearful to speak up and say what they want. All girls make excuses to get out of sexual activities, rather than just saying the words “no, I don’t want to.” It is not fair that girls are insulted and called teases just because a guy spent money or time on her and she did not grant him with sex. (Kirsten King, buzzfeed.com) Also, in situations when girls do want to engage in sexual activities, and also have her satisfaction be taken into account, not just the guy’s she is with, they don’t speak up. The silence on their end is because of the possible rejection and embarrassment that might come as a consequence. What a coincidence that the mainstream pornography, that conditions young adults, eroticizes exactly what girls are fearful of in the bedroom: degradation and humiliation. (Orenstein a2). How empowering!

Editorial Report 1

For this post, I compare a paragraph from my rough cut with the revised section of my paper for project 3.

How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

The content changed because I added a quote from the book I was discussing, explained it, and added more to the last sentence of the paragraph to make sure I was addressing everything that I spoke about. It has more details, evidence, and makes my essay stronger.
How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

The form did not change that much except it became longer in length, which is good because sometimes essay that are too short do not have enough being said.

Rough Cut

Finally, a nonfiction book has surfaced that exposes the long overdue issue. “Girls & Sex,” by Peggy Orenstein, supports the need for a shift in concern for girls when talking about sex, in order to knock out America's societal and cultural pressures and misconceptions. If we can transform how we teach about sex, by having more honest conversations, and stop pretending that sex is solely a manufacturer of STDs and babies in academic environments, then women will be able to voice their desires, feel more confident and secure, and grow into happier and healthier individuals.

Re-Edited Selection

 Finally, a nonfiction book has surfaced that exposes the long overdue issue. “Girls & Sex,” by Peggy Orenstein, supports the need for a shift in concern for girls when talking about sex, in order to knock out America's societal and cultural pressures and misconceptions. Orenstein recognizes the new age we are living in, and the generation’s confusion of the difference between expressing one’s sexuality and displaying sexiness. “Girls are being told all the time that how their body looks to other people is more important than how it feels to them.” (Orenstein a1). Girls then carry this flawed perception with them in intimate times. Girls will attempt to perform sexual acts and behave the ways they think will make them appear “sexy” to a guy, and that’s the issue because it results in men feeling absolved of satisfying the woman. So there are cases of women who actually mistake the male’s imminent pleasure to count as their own pleasure, as well, when in reality, the woman’s desires were never even pursued. There was no reciprocation, and that shows a gender inequality. If we can transform how we teach about sex, by having more honest conversations, realize a patriarchal society’s and social media’s impact on our youth, and stop pretending that sex is solely a manufacturer of STDs and babies in academic environments, then women will be able to voice their desires, feel more confident and secure, and grow into happier and healthier individuals.

Open Post to Peer Reviewers

I'm excited about my essay, but it's still a work in progress. In my document I have noted things I need to add and fix for my draft.

Here is my rough copy:
Standard Essay Rough Draft

Author Response

Explain, with some specificity, your thoughts and feelings about the following:

Key information about your particular project that you would like anyone who peer reviews your draft to know

My essay basically a causal/proposal argumentative essay draft. I added links to sources for diff. heading sections of the essay, which help me w my organization of thoughts and paragraphs.

Major issues or weaknesses in the “Rough Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those weaknesses)

I am still missing some stuff. I need to ADD: 1. Title 2. Problems w porn, tv, social media; the repercussions for girls in par. 4-5 3. Fill in par. that depicts how open sex talk also fosters better relationship w kids and parents 4. Show leader(s) who are against this talk, then refute in last par before conclusion 5. -Use statistics proving healthy sex talk has benefits 6. A conclusion 7. Sources and citations

Major virtues or strengths in the “Rough Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those strengths)

I think my essay is linear and not as jumbled as it was in the beginning, I like my voice and style, and think my argument is clear

Reflection on Production

For this post I will reflect on this week's process work and my essay for project 3.

What were some of the successes (or, things that went right) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence

I got down three solid paragraphs, and i absolutely love my intro although it's lengthy

What were some of the challenges (or, things that went wrong) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence.

I need to catch up because i felt some of the process work blogs were distracting, like the sources one. In a public argument, a lot of what I'm using to argue is information from my own perspective and personal experiences, so I felt that 10 sources has been distracting me from my actual essay.

How do you think next week will go, based on your experiences this week?

I think next week will go well, I just need to focus on nailing the rhetorical situation, balancing use of emotional and logical appeal, maybe take another look at my counter arguments, and make sure I'm being clear and following my thesis.

How are you feeling about the project overall at this point?

I'm a little nervous, but I love my topic so I think if I just focus and write and wait to edit (rather than edit every sentence because I always make my first draft out to be my final essay and it takes up time) it should have a great turn out.

Production Report 2

For this post I'll discuss the body paragraph in my rough cut that was adapted from my content outline.

How did you decide to use form to present your content in the raw material you’ve shared here? How did the conventions of your chosen genre influence your choices?

This is my second paragraph, and first body of my essay. It has a topic sentence, then follows in support of my argument and thesis for my essay.

How did the production of this raw material go? What kinds of any hiccups, challenges, successes, creative epiphanies, etc. occurred during the process?

This went smoothly, I want to make sure I am concise, but probably need to add more to the discussion.

Item from Outline:

1st body- 

-THE HOOK-UP CULTURE AND REPRECUSSIONS: (ADD INSIGHT FROM ARTICLE, BOOK, PERSONAL COLLEGE/SORORITY GIRL EXPERIENCE)
-- people are so uncomfortable with discussing healthy sex and sexuality, why should we change the focus and talk about it educationally
-Why the sex conversation is important: to ensure that girls realize that finding what they want during intimate times with someone, will help them learn and care about themselves and foster the growth of a healthier, happier, individual.

Adaptation of content from outline:

This is the generation of the “hook-up culture;” the inventions of “dating” apps like “Tinder,” with millions of users, have made it quick and easy to meet people with the intentions of “hooking up,” nothing long-term or serious. Kids also watch porn, see TV and social media, and it shapes how we believe women should behave in intimate situations. Yet, America also tends to shame sexuality, while in other countries, it is accepted and embraced. How can America fund both, abstinence-only sexual education, and mass-media that tells girls to be sexy and lusty for men? In a contradicting society, where girls cannot be “slutty,” but they cannot be too “prude” either, where porn places unrealistic expectations on women, the least we can do to keep women from being deceived and hurt, is to change the conversation.

Finally, a novel has surfaced that exposes the long overdue issue. “Girls & Sex,” by Peggy Orenstein, supports the need for a shift in concern for girls when talking about sex, in order to knock out America's societal and cultural pressures and misconceptions. If we can transform how we teach about sex, by having more honest conversations, and stop pretending that sex is solely a manufacturer of STDs and babies in academic environments, then women will be able to voice their desires, feel more confident and secure, and grow into happier and healthier individuals. 

Production Report 1

In this post I'll be showing how some of my content from my outline was adapted for my rough-cut.

Audience Questions

How did you decide to use form to present your content in the raw material you’ve shared here? How did the conventions of your chosen genre influence your choices?

- I changed my content outline's opening from bullet points and ideas into an introductory paragraph for my essay.

- I decided to introduce ideas that would back up my thesis, without going into too much detail because I'm saving the discussion for the other body paragraphs. 

How did the production of this raw material go? What kinds of any hiccups, challenges, successes, creative epiphanies, etc. occurred during the process?

- The writing comes pretty natural for me, but I'm too focused and worried about organization of ideas that it stops me from writing.

Outline Item:

Opening:

-grab attention by being open and honest to set the tone for rest of essay
-Sexuality and Sex ed Background in America
-Things that have a negative impact on teen girls
-Peggy's Book: GIrls & Sex

Thesis: The conversation of sex, especially in regards to female sexuality, needs to change. There needs to be a shift in concern for girls because they've been mislead, as a result of America's societal and cultural pressures and misconceptions.

Adaption of Outline Item:

When I was little, my sleep-away camp required my mom to fill out a personality sheet of sorts for me. “What is one word to describe your camper?” Each year she wrote the same word. Just. Ever since then, I can remember I have had a strong sense of justice and wanted to teach and enlighten anyone I could on an issue. I wanted to be a teacher who could especially teach my friends. I see this desire of mine play out even now that I am in college, where I often hear the worst stories from my friends about college hook-ups gone wrong, or girls squirming at the idea of talking about healthy sex and sexuality. “I do it because he likes it,” “I just wait for it to be over,” “I never say anything.” This triggers a sourness in my stomach; an actual pang that once made my eyes water. Girls laugh awkwardly at how irate I can get over it. Some do not understand my feelings, and that is the direct result of a major problem in society. I truly think that there needs to be a change in the way we discuss sexuality with everyone, especially adolescents, because there are too many misinformed and uniformed teens.