Local Revision: Wordiness

I will be comparing the "cut down" version to the original paragraph taken from my project 1 draft in this blog post.

Original:

 The secret video was taken on July 25th, 2014 at a lunch meeting between Deborah Nucatola (Head Doctor of Planned Parenthood) and two people posing as buyers from a biotech company, "Fetal Tissue Procurement Company" (actually investigators from the Center for Medical Progress), but it was released on their blog and posted for the public on youtube a year later. The late upload was due to the fact that the CMP's investigative journalism study on Planned Parenthood (The Human Capital project), which the video was apart of, was not completed yet. In,"Planned Parenthood Uses Partial-Birth Abortions to Sell Baby Parts," from what the video appears to be showing, Nucatola is casually conversing on the subject of prices for organs and tissue from fetus'. Nucatola's tone seems nonchalant, and she is shown taking sips of her red wine as she explains the process of buying tissue and what it costs. The buyers seem to be listening, more than chatting, and although you cannot see the expressions on their faces, their verbal reactions to what Nucatola says seem composed. The video also shows Cecile Richards, CEO of Planned Parenthood, seemingly thanking the fake biotech employees, in addition to snippets from a 2000 ABC 20/20 interview, written slides with a white font on black citing federal laws on the trafficking of body parts, and other elements that may be taken out of context. The edited, misleading video was the first footage to become public, in the grand, ongoing effort by the anti-abortion group, CMP, to discredit Planned Parenthood. The CMP's 9 minute, illusive video aims to reveal what they believe to be the true agenda of Planned Parenthood: To profit from the blackmarket sale of unborn-baby's body parts.

 

Natour, Aziz. "Scissors" 9/28/08, via wikimedia. GFDL.

Edited:

The video was taken on July 25th, 2014 at a meeting between Dr. Deborah Nucatola of PP and two buyers from the Fetal Tissue Procurement Company. They were actually covert investigators from the CMP. Daleiden later released the footage as a youtube video, and in a blog post titled, "Planned Parenthood Uses Partial-Birth Abortions to Sell Baby Parts." The video seems to show Nucatola casually discussing prices for organs and tissue from fetus'. Nucatola's tone sounds nonchalant. As she drinks wine, she explains the process of buying tissue. The buyers come off as conscientious listeners, not big talkers. Although you cannot see the expressions on their faces, their verbal reactions to what Nucatola says seem composed. The video also shows Cecile Richards, CEO of PP, seemingly thanking the fake biotech employees, in addition to snippets from a 2000 ABC 20/20 interview with the old PP president, Gloria Feldt, slides citing federal laws on the trafficking of body parts, and other elements that may be taken out of context. The edited video was uploaded on July 14th, 2014, and was the first footage to become public, in the ongoing effort by the CMP to discredit the PP organization.The late upload was due to the fact that "The Human Capital Project," CMP's investigative journalism study on PP, was not completed yet. The CMP's 9 minute, illusive video aims to reveal what they believe to be the true agenda of PP: To profit from the blackmarket sale of unborn-baby's body parts.

• "How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?"

The rewritten section is less bias and more concise. I think the edited version is best for my QRG and I will replace the original with it in my project.