Peer Review for Alex Vergara

I performed a peer review for Alex Vergara in my section for the final project.

Audience Question: How did you practice your editorial skills this week in peer review?

Alex Vergara: Standard Essay
I chose a content suggestion for the peer review activity. 

"I love the topic :) .. You introduce logic with quotes and statistics, and emotions are seen by your personal anecdote; they both make you credible. I like the example in sports, but my only suggestion would be to add another example or two that bolsters your argument, perhaps from a corporate business women, or from a perspective in the business world. Good job! "

I think I helped Alex because my suggestion would not only add some length to her essay, but add more supporting evidence for her side of the argument and make it more entertaining for her readers, it will also broaden the audience by mentioning women in the business world, not just the sports world.

I admire how concise and straight-forward her writing and style is. I tend to write too many ideas and get lost, not knowing how I should organize my paragraphs or what to cut out. She did a great job with sticking to her argument and using solid points in a linear fashion.

Editorial Report 15b

I'll be comparing part of my rough cut with my revised copy of the final project. Still embarrassed :)

How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

In my rough copy I didn't give context about my project, in the final copy I added a slide that gave some background. I like it because it explains and makes things clearer for the audience

How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

In the final copy I added a slide with writing that changes the form because for the most part it was just a video of me talking; I think the slide makes my video more interesting and plays with the conventions

rough copy:

Rough cut clip on vimeo

final copy:

Final copy clip on vimeo

Editorial Report 15a

I'm kind of embarrassed by the video essay and how much face time there is lol, but yea let's get this over with

How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

I added a video clip and music for my strength and weakness example, and I changed the words a little

How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

Now it's not just text, there's a video clip and an audio clip included with slides of text.

Rough Cut: 

This is what I had planned out--

Strength: Through descriptive language and details, I have a strong and unique voice in my writing.

Weakness: My indecisiveness and overthinking forces me to try and incorporate too many ideas, making my work less effective

(add image or clip)

Revised: 

This is how the video version came out--

editorial clip on vimeo

Open Post to Peer Reviewers (final project)

For this post, I'll be discussing my final project and it's weaknesses and successes.

Author Response

Explain, with some specificity, your thoughts and feelings about the following:
Key information about your particular project that you would like anyone who peer reviews your draft to know

I don't love my video essay, I think reflecting in a video is slightly corny, but I get my points across.

Major issues or weaknesses in the “Rough Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those weaknesses)

I think my beginning is slow and takes a little bit of time to get into my thesis... I don't like how close I was to the camera either and my expressions come off slightly corny like I said earlier, but oh well

Major virtues or strengths in the “Rough Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those strengths)

Strength I guess would be my honest feelings and I think the passion is easily identified

Rough Cut:

Final Video Project on Vimeo (password is english109h)

2nd link, google drive video upload

Content Outline

This content outline might change, I might cut down and focus on less things, so here I have more ideas listed and it's not organized exactly how I want it to be

Here is my content outline in a google document

Editorial Report b

For this post, I discuss the changes I made to my rough cut in my revised essay, specifically on my last paragraph and conclusion.

Audience Questions

How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?

I needed something to bridge my last paragraph and my conclusion, so I added a tiny paragraph about the importance of parents talking to their children honestly about sexuality, especially if it isn't taught right in schools. My essay doesn't just jump into the conclusion now

How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

I added more sentences, so the essay became longer than it was. It is more effective because it makes my essay flow better and broke up a paragraph that was too lengthy

Rough Cut:

In order to stop this tide of mislead and disillusioned teens, schools and parents need to seriously and frankly talk to social media’s and pornography’s most susceptible audience. The confusion needs to be cleared up. Sexuality and sex are completely natural things, yet America frowns upon them. The wrong lessons and values are being taught by porn and social media, where women must live up to expectations that force them to be sexually objectified. At a young age, trust, intimacy, respect should all be taught. Parents can equip their kids by loving them and changing the conversation. In America’s paradoxical society, where there is hyper-sexualization of girls in the media, yet overzealous abstinence programs and judgment, the inequality in the bedroom for the female gender has psychological and physical repercussions for young adults, and while several nations in the world are healthier and advanced, one nation has the potential to regress entirely if they cannot accept and embrace something as human as sex.

Re-edited:

 Unfortunately, there are some instances where children are denied a sexual education entirely in schools. Someone needs to step forth and teach those kids and all kids early on. That someone will be you one day, when you have children of your own. And there does not have to be a script. My mom never had one with me. How I felt supported and loved by my mom was knowing she was there for me and would not threaten or scare me, but simply educate and prepare me for what to expect as I got older and began to experiment.

        In order to stop this tide of mislead and disillusioned teens, schools and parents need to seriously and frankly talk to social media’s and pornography’s most susceptible audience. The confusion needs to be cleared up. Sexuality and sex are completely natural things, yet America frowns upon them. The wrong lessons and values are being taught by porn and social media, where women must live up to expectations that force them to be sexually objectified. At a young age, trust, intimacy, respect should all be taught. Parents can equip their kids by loving them and changing the conversation. In America’s paradoxical society, where there is hyper-sexualization of girls in the media, yet overzealous abstinence programs and judgment, the inequality in the bedroom for the female gender has psychological and physical repercussions for young adults, and while several nations in the world are healthier and advanced, one nation has the potential to regress entirely if they cannot accept and embrace something as human as sex.

         

peer review 13a for emily

For this post I will discuss my peer review for Emily Bond's project.

Emily Bond from my section is doing a QRG for her project.

I made a content suggestion on her QRG at its current stage. 

I think her argument is well made, however, she is missing counterarguments, and it would be nice if she discussed not only how the kids felt, but how the parents felt. Should the government be making the decision of what goes on kid's plates, or should parents? That would be interesting if addressed, and would strengthen her argument because in theory, parents probably all would like to be in charge of something that has an impact on their children's health and might rethink the Live Action initiative. 

What I really liked about her QRG was the form, it makes use of the white space, breaks up paragraphs so there's not walls of text, and the fonts are very readable and give it a style that is informative and educational