This content outline might change, I might cut down and focus on less things, so here I have more ideas listed and it's not organized exactly how I want it to be
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Editorial Report b
For this post, I discuss the changes I made to my rough cut in my revised essay, specifically on my last paragraph and conclusion.
Audience Questions
How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?
I needed something to bridge my last paragraph and my conclusion, so I added a tiny paragraph about the importance of parents talking to their children honestly about sexuality, especially if it isn't taught right in schools. My essay doesn't just jump into the conclusion now
How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?
I added more sentences, so the essay became longer than it was. It is more effective because it makes my essay flow better and broke up a paragraph that was too lengthy
In order to stop this tide of mislead and disillusioned teens, schools and parents need to seriously and frankly talk to social media’s and pornography’s most susceptible audience. The confusion needs to be cleared up. Sexuality and sex are completely natural things, yet America frowns upon them. The wrong lessons and values are being taught by porn and social media, where women must live up to expectations that force them to be sexually objectified. At a young age, trust, intimacy, respect should all be taught. Parents can equip their kids by loving them and changing the conversation. In America’s paradoxical society, where there is hyper-sexualization of girls in the media, yet overzealous abstinence programs and judgment, the inequality in the bedroom for the female gender has psychological and physical repercussions for young adults, and while several nations in the world are healthier and advanced, one nation has the potential to regress entirely if they cannot accept and embrace something as human as sex.
Unfortunately, there are some instances where children are denied a sexual education entirely in schools. Someone needs to step forth and teach those kids and all kids early on. That someone will be you one day, when you have children of your own. And there does not have to be a script. My mom never had one with me. How I felt supported and loved by my mom was knowing she was there for me and would not threaten or scare me, but simply educate and prepare me for what to expect as I got older and began to experiment.
In order to stop this tide of mislead and disillusioned teens, schools and parents need to seriously and frankly talk to social media’s and pornography’s most susceptible audience. The confusion needs to be cleared up. Sexuality and sex are completely natural things, yet America frowns upon them. The wrong lessons and values are being taught by porn and social media, where women must live up to expectations that force them to be sexually objectified. At a young age, trust, intimacy, respect should all be taught. Parents can equip their kids by loving them and changing the conversation. In America’s paradoxical society, where there is hyper-sexualization of girls in the media, yet overzealous abstinence programs and judgment, the inequality in the bedroom for the female gender has psychological and physical repercussions for young adults, and while several nations in the world are healthier and advanced, one nation has the potential to regress entirely if they cannot accept and embrace something as human as sex.
peer review 13a for emily
For this post I will discuss my peer review for Emily Bond's project.
Emily Bond from my section is doing a QRG for her project.
I made a content suggestion on her QRG at its current stage.
I think her argument is well made, however, she is missing counterarguments, and it would be nice if she discussed not only how the kids felt, but how the parents felt. Should the government be making the decision of what goes on kid's plates, or should parents? That would be interesting if addressed, and would strengthen her argument because in theory, parents probably all would like to be in charge of something that has an impact on their children's health and might rethink the Live Action initiative.
What I really liked about her QRG was the form, it makes use of the white space, breaks up paragraphs so there's not walls of text, and the fonts are very readable and give it a style that is informative and educational
Reflection
For this post, I'll be reflecting on the last stage of project 3.
Audience Questions
What were some of the successes (or, things that went right) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence.
I liked this week because I felt less stressed, I felt like last week I did a lot of work so it made this week easier. It consisted of organizing and breaking up paragraphs, making my essay more readable and neat.
What were some of the challenges (or, things that went wrong) during this week’s process work? Explain, with evidence.
I felt rushed for some reason with my conclusion, I sort of left that to edit with little time.. but I think it's ok
How do you think next week will go, based on your experiences this week?
Interested to start the new project and catch a break because this project 3 was still a lot of work
How are you feeling about the project overall at this point?
It's successful in my opinion, I got nice feedback from peer reviewers so I'm feeling good
Revised Post to Peer Reviewers
This is my revised post to peer reviewers, where I discuss what I have accomplished and how my project is going.
Author Response
Explain, with some specificity, your thoughts and feelings about the following:
Major issues or weaknesses in the “Fine Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those weaknesses)
I'm happy with my fine cut except for the citations, I just hope I'm giving credit accurately. and I hope that where I quoted my friend it makes sense and was correct
Major virtues or strengths in the “Fine Cut” that you’re already aware of (as well as anything you’d like to know from your editors about those strengths)
I know that my personal experience and emotional appeal is strong and apparent
Editorial Report a
For this post, I discuss how I changed some part of my rough cut- I displayed more of the research I found in my revised paper which added logic
Audience Questions
How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?
I expanded and added a statistic. It's more effective in the re-edited version because more detail and the statistic support my argument that America's abstinence only programs aren't effective, and show that other country's who welcome sexuality discussions have lower pregnancy rates.
How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?
My paragraph became longer because I added more sentences. Also, there was logic introduced since I added a statistic. I think this is more effective because I get across emotional and logical appeals, and it makes my paper longer
rough cut:
France and the Netherlands acknowledge and accept premarital sex, unlike America, where half of the states demand that abstinence is emphasized. Open sex conversations actually lead to the prevention of sexual health risks, pregnancies, rape, and more. This is seen in hundreds of studies, where America’s sexual health and sexual education is compared to other parts of the developed world.
revised:
France and the Netherlands acknowledge and accept premarital sex, unlike America, where half of the states demand that abstinence is emphasized. Open sex conversations actually lead to the prevention of sexual health risks, pregnancies, rape, and more. This is seen in hundreds of studies, where America’s sexual health and sexual education is compared to other parts of the developed world. In the Netherlands, all students are required to have a form of sexuality education by law. Kids as young as four years old are having some type of sex ed class. There aren’t explicit discussions for the kindergarteners, but they learn about sexuality and love. From that age and on, they receive a “comprehensive sex education”; gender stereotypes, self-image, sexual orientation, and contraceptive options are all central topics. (De Melker) The facts are in, people. In fact, they have been in since the late 1990’s and early 2000’s: The US has 8.5 times more births per 1000 adolescents between the ages of 15 and 17 years old than in the Netherlands, 5.5 times greater than in France, and practically 3 times greater than in Australia. (UNICEF). Luckily, things are looking up. Abstinence programs are ending. “In his proposed budget for 2017, Obama has eliminated a $10 million-a-year grant from the Department of Health and Human Services that funds these programs.” (Papisova)
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